Wednesday, June 10, 2009

My Intro to Group...Week 1, What You Can Expect Tonight/This Year

It's going to be really tough for me to avoid ruffling some feathers in this group, because the bottom line is, I pretty much know everything about this subject. And, really this group is a little beneath me, but I'll play along.

Look...this week will be the first chance for most of you to get an idea of what the dancers are about, but I already know what they're all about. At the risk of helping some of you less astute participants, I'll discuss some of what you can expect to see tonight in SYTYCD (you stand no chance of beating me anyway).

The best couples this week are going to be Jeanine & Evan, Asuka & Ade, Randy & Phillip, and Janette & Brandon. Brandon is annoying, and they'll critique him more harshly than the other contestants, but he'll still be impressive, especially in this first week. Randy & Phillip won't be THAT great, but they'll be really likable, and the judges will be impressed with their ambition and progress. In fact, Phillip will receive criticism for not being able to abandon his "locking" movements. Asuka will be a disappointment, but Ade will come through and be this year's "Josh." Jeanine & Evan will just be great. Neither of them can win individually, but together, they'll get pretty far.

Hot chicks...Jeanine is the hottest girl on this show. She may be the hottest girl that has ever been on this show. Ashley is also really hot, but not quite as hot as Jeanine. Wooof...Jeanine is hot! Ashley won't make it very far. She's partnered with Vitolio, who is a total tool, and both of them are just average. They even stand a chance of having the worst chemistry, next to Caitlin & Jonathan. Kayla is the next hottest girl on this show. She stands a chance of winning this whole thing, but she'll be hindered for the first few weeks by Tony. She may even win negative points for being dropped by Tony. Kayla will dominate, but she'll also have to dance for her life, because of that dumb-ass Tony, who should have never been on this show. I don't normally like bleached-blondes, but she's got very white skin, which makes up for the hair.

'Not hot' girls include Janette, who's very trashy; Paris, who reminds me of all strippers and has a chin like Leno (she'll also lose likability points being paired with Jason, who is a little stale); Caitlin, who appears to be a 48-year old meth addict, who should not have beat her sister to get into the top 20; and Asuka, who is just a little too skinny, and worst of all, she thinks she's extremely hot.

Melissa & Kupano will be the biggest disappointment of this season, followed by Caitlin & Jonathan. Neither Caitlin nor Jonathan stand a chance of breaking the top 14. Ashley & Vitolio may have a few 'worst of the night' performances, and neither of them will make it into the top 10. They'll have terrible chemistry, because Vitolio is a duche-bag.

As a couple, Randy & Phillip will probably annoy me the most, because the judges will not critique them as harshly as all the other contestants; and Jeanine & Evan will be the most pleasant to watch (see 'hot chicks' comments above).

Max will be a typical, Euro-trashy kind of dude who just barely does enough to not get eliminated. His partner, Karla will also be 'just OK.' Vitolio will annoy the shit out of me, and everyone else, everytime he opens his mouth, and we'll lose Ashley, one of the hottest girls on the show, because of his annoying mouth.

I don't know if anyone has noticed, but Tony can't dance at all. He's horrendous. The judges will wish they could keep him, but he'll just suck way too bad. Who knows...maybe people will vote for him because Kayla is bad-ass, and he did a kind-of funny, but mostly not funny, dance one time, in which he was obsessed with Nigel...he, he, he, he.

With any luck, Ade can shed Asuka, Kayla can shed Tony, and Kayla and Ade can hook up and skate to the final 4. I really want to see Jeanine & Kayla in the final four so that they can do that girl-girl dance together...mmm...mmm...mmm.

So there you have it. I'm sorry I have to be so right all the time. Sometimes I wish I could just fit in with the rest of you and be wrong sometimes, but being wrong is too difficult for me.



The Gould Family said...

Holy crap, you're such an ass.

Ha ha ha.

There's a typo in your first paragraph.

Karin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Karin said...

You're crazy to think that Jeanine is the hottest girl on the show...did you see Kayla in the hot pink, fringey number?

Though you're right on with the men.

Crusty said...

There was more than a typo in the first paragraph. I was dead-ass wrong about all the pairings of the couples. I was misled by some YouTube videos, published by Fox (Fox must have a conspiracy against me appearing to know it all, I reckon). Ouch.